2007
Today, I held a fish in my hands until it died.
It was the spotted black fish that had been so sick lately; day after day, my family would stare into his tank and see his cloudy, dead eye and his peeling skin. So tonight, I told my mom that it would be more humane, merciful even, to just put him out of his misery. She looked at me, then into the tank with saddened eyes. I nearly regretted my words, I knew she was thinking about my grandfather. My grandfather had died a slow and agonizing death by cancer, it was a bitter fight that my mom saw him through to the end. Now, as she looked to this poor, sickly little being, I could only imagine what kind of days and nights she was recalling.
We put him in a small ziplock bag and his body was cold against my hand. I could feel every small muscle twitch and each scale shift as the fish opened and closed his mouth slower and slower, more and more resigned, and as I held it I began wondering to myself what it must be like to suffocate slowly and irrevocably in a plastic bag. Until he gasped his last, my mom watched him, stroking him every now and again, whispering things like "It's ok...it's ok." The fish was put into a shoebox which I tied a ribbon around and plan to bury in our backyard tomorrow. To watch any living thing die so pitifully is enough to make anyone feel sick or a little hopeless, and as I felt the life ebbing out of the small body, I felt my own heart twinge. I was hoping that the warmth and softness in my hand was a soothing feeling and pleasing sensation. I thought of sick people in hospitals, holding a warm hand much like my own and consciously choosing to die or die later. I thought about death, of those it came to, willingly or otherwise. I think about life and how infinitely valuable it is, also of how shamefully some people will treat it. Those who say life is pointless and empty have no idea what they are saying. They don't understand fully the extent of their foolish words. Who doesn't kick for air? Who doesn't thrash about in the grasp of death? Who has a life that's not worth it? No one. It's unfair that those who hate life have it so freely and those who love it are robbed of it. Stop being bored and realize that there is beauty, goodness, truth and value in living but don't stop there. Do something about it. Doesn't matter what it is, whether you change the way you think or what you do or what you care about. Don't look for answers in other people, there is no knight in shining armor that's coming to tell you all the answers to your life, no mysterious guru of life that will give you the secret to happiness. Stop waiting, doesn't matter if you screw up, you're still breathing, even if you're a breathing screw-up. Tomorrow you could be a breathing success. Don't be afraid, don't wait for it, don't hesitate, don't even think about it too much. Just understand and realize that each breath you take is irretrievable. Find out just what it means to live without regrets.
