I've been breaking out in acne a whole lot these days and I can't tell if it's from stress or from the natural life-giving cycle that all women go through from puberty to menopause. Or maybe it's from all the chocolate and peanut butter I've been eating recently :X
Anyway, I frown a lot when I look in the mirror; not at the general face, but at each individual, angry, red zit >:(. Usually I don't mind having a few because to me, some faults add character to a personality; similarly, some scars or...pimples can add character to a face. Disagree if you will, but I'm sticking to my guns on this.
That doesn't go to say, however, that I take very strongly to the phrase "the more the merrier". Especially when it comes to acne and people that I hold close, the motto that I more accurately live by goes something like "the fewer the better".
So I spend a good minute or two just staring down my zits very meanly, willing them to disappear; I imagine invisible little lasers zapping them down and out of existence. After a while I just blow a sigh and relent to finish brushing my teeth. Usually I can laugh off the feeling of insecurity that creeps into the back of my mind (which is fueled into a frenzy by my mother's ever-so-helpful comments she'll say to me in passing, like " You'll never get married if you don't lose some weight"). Today, as I stood before my bathroom mirror and scrutinized my face after the face wash, toner and lotion had been applied, I thought about how glad I was to still be able to smile, shrug and continue on with life.
There's this girl I know; she's very young but had this skin condition of lots of outbreak and swelling which were the resulting side effects of a medication she'd taken. She became severely depressed and as her self-esteem descended lower and lower, she began to contemplate killing herself.
What's the difference between a girl who can smile at her scars and imperfections, and a girl who begins to lose hope because of those same things?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
What is Christian Hypocrisy?
I was stung when I talked with a dear friend of mine and for the reason that I felt misunderstood.
I'll admit that I feel uncomfortable when it comes to having relationships with the opposite gender, which is funny since when I was a child my only friends were the boys in the neighborhood. High school was a neglected time; I didn't try to make friends in high school, let alone boy friends, so it came to be that by senior year I graduated with only maybe 1 real friend. When I got to college it was an ugly surprise to find that, even though I was excited to see and meet so many new people, at the same time, I was repulsed. 4 years of my life was spent avoiding getting too close to people (I was kept indoors and, being the obedient child that I was, indoors was where I stayed), so how could I expect to jump into the masses and adapt myself among them immediately? What a shock it was to find my earlier expectations of college to be break as I spent my days alone still, just sleeping and eating more.
It's too tiring to try and explain where I was in life during that year because it involves church and I don't want to reflect on the years of division and instability at the moment. It was just nice to find myself swept into a Christian community that was on George Mason campus; a girl brought me under her wing and through her Christ sprinkled some drops of refreshment on my parched hands and feet. She simply cared for me; she wanted to know me; she saw worth in me and helped me to see it too. However, it was difficult. My wardrobe at the time consisted of two pairs of sweatpants, 3 hoodies, and some baggy, loose-fitting t-shirts, and when I had coffee with the girl, I was met with someone who wore skirts, blouses and makeup. When we met it was like looking at a mirror that showed the opposite you.
It's not that I didn't like wearing things that were feminine; rather, I just had no reason to change my appearance. There was a certain awareness that I (in some aspects) even now still lack (though improvements have been made). I'd never had a reason to drab up; little/no people in my life = laziness. So when she asked me one day why I dressed the way I did, I was taken off-guard and wasn't sure whether I should be offended or not. Our friendship continues now and it's unique in that I've never experienced a greater freedom to be myself in a friendship, but it wasn't always the case.
Eunice is always going to be the first woman that I opened up to and who also gave back with her heart, and for that I thank God every day. But up to that point I was insecure and unsure of how to be around girls that were in my life. There were plenty of times when I felt the pang of utter aloneness when I saw such beautiful friendships between girls, and man did I long so much to have someone like that in my life. There was always a constant fear though (and thick traces of it still lace my heart) that somehow, I would screw up, say something wrong, and that she would take off. This was not because she ever gave that impression, but somehow over the years my confidence and understanding of people was shaved away until I had no idea what was normal. All I knew was that every few years or so, people that I came to love and trust would break away with a piece of my church and stopped talking to me. Why? Never fully understood.
A part of me acknowledged that Eunice was not from my church and had no reason to just get up and leave one day, but I lived for a year in anticipation for the day that I'd lose contact with her. How odd! You'd almost think that I was looking forward to it, and in some ways it felt like I was waiting to be left alone, but it was more of a defense mechanism to try keep from getting too hurt in case another friendship died.
Now I'm a strong-willed, very analytical woman with a better sense of dress code and with less regard for first impressions. Still, I am cracked at the core. I try to live as honestly as I can, whether it comes to sharing an honest opinion or not glancing at the next person's scantron during an exam. My ambition has been to try to hide nothing, but instead to try and present my heart to others as much as possible no matter how much it hurts later because I really do believe that there should be nothing held in greater reverence than Christ. And yet, somehow things are not turning out the way that I had expected.
There is the predicted misunderstanding that I am facing, but it's not from the people that I thought it'd come from.
All the misunderstanding, miscommunication and things being left unsaid is coming from those that I'd given my heart to! It is not the atheists or agnostics; not the Muslims or Buddhists; not the smokers or chronic bar-hoppers; it's not even the perverse, critical students in my English classes.
Why is it that I feel safer speaking my mind in front of non-Christians?
I'm not speaking on black-and-white terms. Please understand that there are very understanding and unthinkably kind Christians in my life, and I have had more than a sample of judgmental and narrow-minded non-Christians. But there is such a shortage of the former...
I think I am brought to tears more often by Christians than I am by others, and for so many reasons.
When I look at the conditions that people are in...there's such a wide variety of Christians. There are those that just have grown up saying that they are but never really knowing what one is; there are the ones that like to say they are in order to gain something (status, belonging, friends, recognition, approval); there are the ones that found their entire faith on their emotional state (God be with those people...); there are those that cling to doctrine and knowledge; there are those that want to be Jesus (as opposed to being like him); there are those that hide the fact that they are one; there are the ones that like to use the Word to fit their individual understanding of life; the ones that live a double life because of a faulty understanding about God; the ones that want to know God so badly; the ones that try to save themselves; the ones that feel cut off from community; the ones that are satisfied with where they are with God......it's sad that I feel that I can go on and on and on!
But most of all, I am brought to tears by real, Christ-following Christians that withhold from each other. The ones that know the truth and yet refuse to bring things to light. The ones that draw such quick conclusions. The ones that will talk to everyone about a problem except for the person in question.
I don't separate myself from this category because I've been on both sides of this. But my heart mourns so much sometimes because it dawns on me from time to time just how disgustingly lost we human beings really are without the saving, redeeming, restoring love of Christ. WHY ARE WE SO QUIET?
No wonder Paul did so much imploring and exhorting to the churches in his letters! It was necessary. Just as it is necessary now.
Do you seek to live in the light? Or in fear, do you seek to withdraw?
The blessing of encouragement or rebuke that could come from your lips, do you withhold it from your brother or sister in Christ? Do you leave room for misunderstanding?
DON'T!
Let a righteous man strike me--it is a kindness; let him rebuke me--it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it. - Ps 141:5
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. - Pro 27:6
I said, "O Lord, have mercy on me; heal me, for I have sinned against you."
My enemies say of me in malice, "When will he die and his name perish?"
Whenever one comes to see me, he speaks falsely, while his heart gathers slander; then he goes out and spreads it abroad.
All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me, saying, "A vile disease has beset him; he will never get up from the place where he lies."
Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted his heel against me.
But you, O Lord, have mercy on me...In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever. - Ps 41:4-12
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. BE KIND AND COMPASSIONATE TO ONE ANOTHER, FORGIVING EACH OTHER, JUST AS IN CHRIST GOD FORGAVE YOU. - Eph 4:29-32
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. - Jn 3:20-21
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God...Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. - Col 3:15-16, 4:6
How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!
Ps 133:1
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------EDIT---------------------------------
I forgot to mention the reason why I even decided to write blog entries.
Every day a new shortcoming is revealed to me. However, instead of my ego being inflamed and reacting by trying to flush out that weakness, I desire to show them off, in essence, lay them out for people to see so that they can understand just how short we all fall and how much more marvelous God is for covering us with grace and making us a part of his plan. I think Paul put it best:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." There for I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor 12:9-10
I was stung when I talked with a dear friend of mine and for the reason that I felt misunderstood.
I'll admit that I feel uncomfortable when it comes to having relationships with the opposite gender, which is funny since when I was a child my only friends were the boys in the neighborhood. High school was a neglected time; I didn't try to make friends in high school, let alone boy friends, so it came to be that by senior year I graduated with only maybe 1 real friend. When I got to college it was an ugly surprise to find that, even though I was excited to see and meet so many new people, at the same time, I was repulsed. 4 years of my life was spent avoiding getting too close to people (I was kept indoors and, being the obedient child that I was, indoors was where I stayed), so how could I expect to jump into the masses and adapt myself among them immediately? What a shock it was to find my earlier expectations of college to be break as I spent my days alone still, just sleeping and eating more.
It's too tiring to try and explain where I was in life during that year because it involves church and I don't want to reflect on the years of division and instability at the moment. It was just nice to find myself swept into a Christian community that was on George Mason campus; a girl brought me under her wing and through her Christ sprinkled some drops of refreshment on my parched hands and feet. She simply cared for me; she wanted to know me; she saw worth in me and helped me to see it too. However, it was difficult. My wardrobe at the time consisted of two pairs of sweatpants, 3 hoodies, and some baggy, loose-fitting t-shirts, and when I had coffee with the girl, I was met with someone who wore skirts, blouses and makeup. When we met it was like looking at a mirror that showed the opposite you.
It's not that I didn't like wearing things that were feminine; rather, I just had no reason to change my appearance. There was a certain awareness that I (in some aspects) even now still lack (though improvements have been made). I'd never had a reason to drab up; little/no people in my life = laziness. So when she asked me one day why I dressed the way I did, I was taken off-guard and wasn't sure whether I should be offended or not. Our friendship continues now and it's unique in that I've never experienced a greater freedom to be myself in a friendship, but it wasn't always the case.
Eunice is always going to be the first woman that I opened up to and who also gave back with her heart, and for that I thank God every day. But up to that point I was insecure and unsure of how to be around girls that were in my life. There were plenty of times when I felt the pang of utter aloneness when I saw such beautiful friendships between girls, and man did I long so much to have someone like that in my life. There was always a constant fear though (and thick traces of it still lace my heart) that somehow, I would screw up, say something wrong, and that she would take off. This was not because she ever gave that impression, but somehow over the years my confidence and understanding of people was shaved away until I had no idea what was normal. All I knew was that every few years or so, people that I came to love and trust would break away with a piece of my church and stopped talking to me. Why? Never fully understood.
A part of me acknowledged that Eunice was not from my church and had no reason to just get up and leave one day, but I lived for a year in anticipation for the day that I'd lose contact with her. How odd! You'd almost think that I was looking forward to it, and in some ways it felt like I was waiting to be left alone, but it was more of a defense mechanism to try keep from getting too hurt in case another friendship died.
Now I'm a strong-willed, very analytical woman with a better sense of dress code and with less regard for first impressions. Still, I am cracked at the core. I try to live as honestly as I can, whether it comes to sharing an honest opinion or not glancing at the next person's scantron during an exam. My ambition has been to try to hide nothing, but instead to try and present my heart to others as much as possible no matter how much it hurts later because I really do believe that there should be nothing held in greater reverence than Christ. And yet, somehow things are not turning out the way that I had expected.
There is the predicted misunderstanding that I am facing, but it's not from the people that I thought it'd come from.
All the misunderstanding, miscommunication and things being left unsaid is coming from those that I'd given my heart to! It is not the atheists or agnostics; not the Muslims or Buddhists; not the smokers or chronic bar-hoppers; it's not even the perverse, critical students in my English classes.
Why is it that I feel safer speaking my mind in front of non-Christians?
I'm not speaking on black-and-white terms. Please understand that there are very understanding and unthinkably kind Christians in my life, and I have had more than a sample of judgmental and narrow-minded non-Christians. But there is such a shortage of the former...
I think I am brought to tears more often by Christians than I am by others, and for so many reasons.
When I look at the conditions that people are in...there's such a wide variety of Christians. There are those that just have grown up saying that they are but never really knowing what one is; there are the ones that like to say they are in order to gain something (status, belonging, friends, recognition, approval); there are the ones that found their entire faith on their emotional state (God be with those people...); there are those that cling to doctrine and knowledge; there are those that want to be Jesus (as opposed to being like him); there are those that hide the fact that they are one; there are the ones that like to use the Word to fit their individual understanding of life; the ones that live a double life because of a faulty understanding about God; the ones that want to know God so badly; the ones that try to save themselves; the ones that feel cut off from community; the ones that are satisfied with where they are with God......it's sad that I feel that I can go on and on and on!
But most of all, I am brought to tears by real, Christ-following Christians that withhold from each other. The ones that know the truth and yet refuse to bring things to light. The ones that draw such quick conclusions. The ones that will talk to everyone about a problem except for the person in question.
I don't separate myself from this category because I've been on both sides of this. But my heart mourns so much sometimes because it dawns on me from time to time just how disgustingly lost we human beings really are without the saving, redeeming, restoring love of Christ. WHY ARE WE SO QUIET?
No wonder Paul did so much imploring and exhorting to the churches in his letters! It was necessary. Just as it is necessary now.
Do you seek to live in the light? Or in fear, do you seek to withdraw?
The blessing of encouragement or rebuke that could come from your lips, do you withhold it from your brother or sister in Christ? Do you leave room for misunderstanding?
DON'T!
Let a righteous man strike me--it is a kindness; let him rebuke me--it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it. - Ps 141:5
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. - Pro 27:6
I said, "O Lord, have mercy on me; heal me, for I have sinned against you."
My enemies say of me in malice, "When will he die and his name perish?"
Whenever one comes to see me, he speaks falsely, while his heart gathers slander; then he goes out and spreads it abroad.
All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me, saying, "A vile disease has beset him; he will never get up from the place where he lies."
Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted his heel against me.
But you, O Lord, have mercy on me...In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever. - Ps 41:4-12
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. BE KIND AND COMPASSIONATE TO ONE ANOTHER, FORGIVING EACH OTHER, JUST AS IN CHRIST GOD FORGAVE YOU. - Eph 4:29-32
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. - Jn 3:20-21
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God...Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. - Col 3:15-16, 4:6
How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!
Ps 133:1
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------EDIT---------------------------------
I forgot to mention the reason why I even decided to write blog entries.
Every day a new shortcoming is revealed to me. However, instead of my ego being inflamed and reacting by trying to flush out that weakness, I desire to show them off, in essence, lay them out for people to see so that they can understand just how short we all fall and how much more marvelous God is for covering us with grace and making us a part of his plan. I think Paul put it best:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." There for I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor 12:9-10
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